I'm not sure I'm supposed to my therapist laugh quite that much. Not sure how I did it really, but it was actually a joyful meeting, and my shortest one so far. I think he got more words in edgeways today than I've let him in previous encounters too. All in all I feel all glowy and happy that I can face Christmas caring about what really matters and not getting sucked in by anything that doesn't. One more session to go in the New Year, and then I really will be flying solo. But he's equipped me with some tools for the job, and I feel prepared. It's been a long 6 months or so, and although the steps are still baby steps, they're getting more and more confident.
The other day I woke up feeling grey. I mean truly grey, not black-hole-grey, not sun-almost-shining-grey, just grey. Critical-bully-me was just waiting on tiptoes, ready to pounce; I wobbled in time to thoughts of "it's all going to start again" and "I can't face it I'm off back to bed". And then from nowhere came Self-esteem-me saying "ok so you're having a bad day. So have a bad day. Tomorrow will be a new day and will bring what it brings. If you need to give in today, well then that's ok". A couple of hours later I found myself singing as I ironed. Bitch-me was silenced. "We'll see..." she muttered under her breath, "you haven't dropped the ball yet, but when you do I'll be waiting..."
Well today she's still there, eyebrows raised, foot tapping away in anticipation. But it's a worried anticipation. Today the mutter is almost inaudible, and the emphasis is very different "You haven't dropped the ball yet..."
And I just smiled.
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