Crumbling resolve

Well it's the shortest, darkest day, and I haven't had my hour in front of the SAD lamp. Too much to do, no energy or resolve to do it. Definitely a wobble day.

I'm desperately holding onto the fact that I've managed to wrap a few pressies today. Coz that's all I've done, all day. Where did the day go? I don't know, I honestly can't remember. I'm tired - well exhausted - hurting, cotton-wool-headed and feeling really really sick about something I can't even put my finger on. I'm in one of what my therapist might call my black-and-white, all-or-nothing moods. I'm behind with my coursework and it feels like I'll never catch up again - and it's only a short course. I'm struggling to do anything, including my hobbies. I just want to sleep and cry, cry and sleep. This isn't a bad day, it's an end-of-the-world day.

It isn't that we have no food in the house, much less Christmas stuff. It isn't that the pressies are only half wrapped, and I've missed seeing my sister yet again because of the weather; it isn't that Young Master is bored out of his mind and only wants to play computer games rather than do stuff with me; it isn't that we're looking at the most disorganised, untidy and unprepared Christmas in 25 years. It's that all this I've known would happen, all this I've been fighting, all this I've refused to let bother me because there is a reason for the mess, the untidyness; but today it's getting to me. Today I am worn out. Today I've put on so much of the weight that I've been fighting to lose for so long; today I didn't get any exercise; today I want to tell myself so badly that I've let myself down and those I love. I haven't really, but like a junky going cold turkey (and yes I know what that feels like) I almost crave the comfort of being able to beat myself up, blame myself for so much stuff that is beyond my control.

A wonderful friend just asked me if it all really mattes. No of course it doesn't; but I kind of want it to matter, because that's old and familiar. Right now I don't have the strength to be strong; I've let go the reins so far they're almost out of my reach. And I so badly want to pick them back up again.